refreshing my spirit....

I have stepped into a new paradigm. With a higher level of maturity and compassion, I try to view things through various eyes. Putting myself in people shoes, I've became a 85% of non-judgemental person. How do you want to deal with people who have different background, principles and views in life.

I try to act cool even my heart figuratively is stabbed by knife over and over again.
I try to think i am capable to deal with any difficulties on my own.
I try to create a new entity so that i would be a trendsetter instead of a follower.
I try to draft my plans so that I can obtain an outcome as i have expected.
And I try......

Then,
I think I am not strong,
I think I'm going to collapse,
I think I want to die rather than committing more sins,
I think I want to stop studying and get married early(so funny^^),
I think I am so messy,
I think I am lost...

I'm wondering..
To whom I should turn myself to?
I try to tell someone but i realize they have their own problems,
So I backed off...

And the call I get from my friend just now through Skype,
asking me how I still remain strong in this path..
The Tarbiyah Path..
remind me that I have Him...
He gives myself this strength because this quality solely belongs to him..
And remind me that I am not alone..
And i have Someone to rely on,
Someone who knows the best for me,
Someone who loves me really much to pull me into the real paradigm,
Who make me realize that I am created in this Earth with an intended purposes..

Verily, along with every hardship is relief,
So when you have finished (your occupation), devote yourself to Allah worship
And to your Lord turn all your intentions and hopes.


Ash-Sharh :6-8

p/s : thanks to my friend from Ireland for the call. I know Allah have sent you to convey His reminder to both of us. Through Him, you are the medium that i get to know this path. Thanks again, see you in Jannah my luv, ****.....

lupe...

kite selalu...dekat nak exam berdoa pd Allah, spy dimudahkan usaha..
dalam menghafal, dlm mengingat, even dalam menunggu keputusan..
even kalo kite x bykkan solat, lengahkan semayang, x byk bace quran (alasan study dowh)..
kite stil berharap dgn YG MAHA KUASA...

Soalnye, bile kite dah dapat result 2... kite berbalikkah pd Maha Pencipta??
ada 2 situation iaitu result baek or x baek..
setakat mane level yg dianggap baek 2 bergantung pd individu masing2...
ade org kate kalo pass 2 dah kire baek, ade yg kate dpt A baru baek.. ade jugak kate result A cemerlang terbilang iaitu average more than 90... layan la macam mane pon...

hakikatnye, kalo kite dpt result baek...pas2 org ckp.. "wah, hebat r ko, respek dowh" @
"wei,camne ko stadi...sharing2 la" @ "ko mmg genius la" @ bla blabla

ade x tyme 2 terdetik perasaan kat diri : " hmm, aku stadi efisien, mmg r result gempak"
@ "aku mmg genius, bace ape pun cpt pick up" @ "lecturer n tutor mantap, standard r result hebat"

then bg plak situation apb result x seberapa hebat, ade x terdetik dalam hati,
"hmm, soklan ni susah...geram aku..nyesal stadi smpai kol 1pagi" @
"lecturer ni r x sedap, geram dowh" @ "aku menyampah dgn subjek ni"

apepon respon nye... pernah ke kite berbalik pd Allah... tahu x hakikatnye result or even condition mane pon dah ditetapkan kat Loh Mahfuz??
maksudnye, kalo result kite baek..bkn sbb usaha kite..bkn sbb lecturer kite.. bkn sbb otak kite yg disangka genius abad 21... nehihe (ini impot bhs hindustan)

ape2 yg berlaku dlm hidup ni atau aku analogikan sbg result is not dependent on usaha@amal@perbuatan kite.....so... tidak perlulah nak menyesal jika kite dah buat yg terbaek untuk capai sth... tidak perlulah bimbang sgt akan keputusan yg kite bakal terime... dan tidak perlu memandang enteng akan kepentingan usaha...

sebabnye,bnd yg btol2 dinilai adalah usaha...ni lah markah yg akan decide smd ending kite Syurga @ Neraka...tp ingat dah ckp td usaha x mempengaruhi keputusan.. tp Tuhan maha adil..ape yg kite dpt kat HereAfter adlh dr bende yg kite dah buat kat muka bumi ni....

berbalik pd citer result td....ape2 yg berlaku..berbaliklah pd Tuhan... ingat, dalam kite mengharap suatu keputusan, mintaklah jugak diperkuatkan hati utk terime keputusan 2.. mintaklah dr sumber kekuatan 2..

yg penting,niat btol...dalam kes aku yg tgh blaja ni.... selalu org crampkan otak when it comes 2 exam..
taw nak revise byk bende but dlm proses blaja 2,ape niat kite sbnrnye.. mmg iklas nak blaja ke??

tengok x skg..byk je graduan bile dah masuk alam bekerja involve dlm rasuah, pecah amanah.. ape gune ilmu yg dah digali 2?? x heran jugak bnde yg kite blaja kejap je bley luput.. tetapkanlah keiklasan untuk blaja so that mase yg kite spend utk blaja bermanfaat 4 our life in the future..

don b a forgetful person... remind ourselves, we r one of His creations in dis Earth..

p/s: ayat aku berputar belit lg... mintak ampun na

mau jdik robot ka???

after 3 minggu aku kije d kilang ceri ni, akhirnye jadilah aku seorg penganggur bertauliah..

nak taw level tauliah aku??

aku menyepi dr fb,blog, even hp(yg mulenye disangka ilang), berguling2 dan menyumbat makanan dlm system peristalsisku.... aku dah fed up.. nak jadi ular sawa ke ape??

uwa..apekah...bygkan dpt 2000 dolar tp tup tap mcm dah abih..hmm, ape ni??
rezeki aku ni berkat ke?? bimbang benar sbb aku x rase nikmat duit yg aku dpt ni..

dah la duit mara x masuk lagi,,mmg sgt gusar hati ni...terpk mcm mane nak smbut junior..kene2 diorg nak tumpang umah..byk jugak kene spend tp aku xkisah pon..sgt excited nak smbut diorg (bouncing up n down olredi)...

kene2 aku bukak la fb.ade la sumone memberi berite..yg mana aku mendapat rezeki x semena-mena.. heran bin ajaib kan.. maha suci tuhan Allah mmg die la yg Memberi..

aku berazam,even cutiku masih pjg.. aku mahu berhenti jdik robot.. iaitu manusia yg kejenye buat bnde same tnpa discover apekah motif d sebalik perbuatan diorg.. kononnye duit lah tujuannye..tp kene gaye duit yg keluar mcm air, setakat manekah nilai sebenar duit 2??

pk la sendiri..korg join sekaki x dlm persatuan robot-robot ni..

p/s : tidurku, hidupku, makanku,sujudku hanyalah untukMu

cukup ke?

penah x ko rase hidup ko hepi je...
ape yg ko nak ko dapat
dan ko merase ko lah manusia yg bahagia
ko mampu buat semuanye
sebab ko rase diri itu sgt terer
ko lupe sape yg bg ko nikmat segale

then bile musibah menimpe
ko xnak terime hakikat
ko cube blame org sekeliling
ko merintih mengeluh
bertanye kenape ko yg perlu lalui dugaan ini

ko sedar x
dlm ko mengangkat jari telunjuk utk salahkan org
4 jari lagi menjurus ke arah ngko

ko sedar x
TUHAN tu ade
tempat memohon segala

ko sedar x
bila ko susah
ko baru nak tunjuk muke
memohon dan berdoa

tp mase ko senang
ape yg ko buat??
enjoy sakan x ingat dunia
xreti beza dosa ng pahale

ko sedar x
ko tu xde ape2
hanye belas kasihan TUHAN yg bg ko bernafas kat dunie

then ko perasan
nak masuk syurga

ko tau x
tpt itu mahal hargenye
ko tau x
azab neraka itu pedih x terkire

then...
nape ko stil bertangguh??
sbb ko rase ko hidup lame ke?

sedar x
Tuhan bley tarik nyawe kite bile2...

rase2...
cukup ke amal kite nak berhadap ng die??

strength

Then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Oh ho, Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away, hey yea

Hmm, looking for a hero... everyday we have sth that we r afraid of.. it is undeniably wrong that we r not having fear of the uncertainty that our future holds..

but when we r still gasping for air in this Earth,we still have to go on.....
But remember, we have Him....

Jus don't forget to supplicate His Blessings for the days lie ahead n He'll stand by us=)

petang ini

alhamdullilah......i'd finished 3 papers olredi...one more 2 go..hehe

deep inside my heart, i'm really hoping 4 7 but i dont think i can get 7 4 bio due 2 high requirement 4 final.. 4 stat n math, there r some questions i failed 2 answer, but i leave it to God bcoz i know He knows da best 4 us....=)

then, to release myself from this exam mood(even i still hv chem dis monday), i went to city, thinking of rewarding myself for staying in da house 4 da whole week to prepare myself 4 exam..
no shopping 4 2day, only buying tempura and a novel 2 b read after da exam..huhuhu

las nyte, i checked my marks for stat n chem projects..alhamdullilah, i got better than expected. though these marks r not super-duper excellent but i thanked God bcoz He had healed my frustration due 2 bio project...

i didnt know how 2 react at first when i c da results...but when i flipped thru His Book, it is stated in al-A'la,
" And We make ur life easier(2 reach happiness in Da World n Hereafter), hence give reminders 2 others bcoz reminders r beneficial"

all of sudden, i made myself 2 istifar bcoz i had been approching boasting habit again... it seemed like my face was slapped by someone.... ya Allah, thanz 4 this reminder.. whatever happen in my life... pliz3, dont make myself a forgetful person... bcoz i know the strength is only came from U..

i lyke dis petang, strolling around the city alone.. sometimes other people stared at me.. y?.. is dat bcoz i'm wearing hijab?? i dont really care, bcoz i'm proud wif my faith.....

n now, 3 more days 2 go... n then i'll start with my numerous plans... dunno what da outcome but again... Allah, pliz make my life smoother...i'm insignificant but i know u can hear my prayer=)

da chance

it has been 3 months i'd left KMB.... there r my footprints, my trash n part of my heart there..
it is a place where i'd tried 2 create my new entity,without considering people perception..

when i'm rewinding the first day i was there, i'd determined to ignore any posts related to Student Representative Council bcoz the burden that i had in MRSM PC was already enugh 4 me.. my intention was to join the challenging and famous clubs here. Hence, i really worked 4 it.. i participated in MPAC(drama club), dancerobics(well-known among girls), tae kwan do and Fish For Life )( this is the climax of my involvement in outdoor activities).

actually, IB students r required to complete 180hours for sports and clubs but i managed to complete 960hours within 2 years as the clubs that i joined are super-duper active... i love the experience 2 b here.. there r litres of sweats and tears involved in finishing the tesis, business report,bla3..

i'm not an excellent student in KMB but i'm still grateful to b an average student.. mY real aim before was to go to Intec because i really wanted 2 further my study at OZ...and the programme there is shorter than IB.. i'd made my mind to enjoy my life in KMB without intervention from anyone... despite of living in isolated place,surrounded by palm oil trees, i went out to Intec and taylors during weekends to meet my x-PC friends, and still, i felt a hole in my heart..it's so empty.... there r guys who offer their hands for a serious relationship 2 fill the hole but i rejected them.. i dont believe with love b4 marriage anymore.. is it make sense for teenagers who are unable 2 give a definite answer about responsibility claim that they can provide us wif the ultimate happiness... lol

KMB is an islamic school(this is agreed by many KMB students),but i'm quite skeptical with the nice people. Do they hv a happy life by restricting themselves from enjoyment? i became rebellious with the religious programmes but at one point when in a lecture theatre, stg struck into my heart... even my heart was hardened with ego, i cried endlessly(without anyone noticing it)...
the people in Africa ,Palestin n other Islamic countries r fighting 4 the sake of religion but in my country, there r so many Muslims destroying their faith....

the turning point eventually brought me to Al-Quran, real understanding about Islam... sometimes i'm wondering y Allah still give me this opportunity even i always neglect His orders.
it took me about 1 year to b really confident with my faith.. b4 this i was often curious with my own faith.. is it really true?? but now, i'm sure this DEEN is the truth comes from Him 4 us to practice..My god, i'm very weak.. there r so many dirts in my heart.. give me the Light, to guide me to the right path..

thank u becoz in KMB, finally i found my answer.. my faith...my understanding about Islam.. THANKs A LOT 4 this chance... n kMB, i love u bcoz of these splendid experiences.. u 'll remain in my heart ever after... =)

budgeting~~

salam..



dengan niat nak menulis ape yg aku dah bebel ng diri sendiri.....



ape yg korg paham dgn budgeting? root wordnye budget aka belanjawan. terbayang menteri bergaduh kat parlimen ke.. or utk org yg amik commerce or accountacy... mesti berkeliput figures dlm brain korg..



ok,now aku mau stop mengarut....point nye : budgeting pd pendapat aku adalah bermakna perasan...@ riak, takabbur,ujub..bla3.....memang parah bile feeling ni melekat kat hati... salahkan sape..setan?? dah tugas diorg mencucuk...



alkisahnye aku terkena jugak penyakit ni...... B4 ni aku slalu dpt full mark for chem prac sbb ade sorg tutor baek hati bername Angeline Chan(kalo die muslim kan bagus) akan soh students die btolkan jwpn..mmg sume dpt full mark la.. aku yg ari ni ade prac kan xsedia sgt la smlam..budget boleh full mark kan..(perasan tahap karma)



tibe2 arini die diganti oleh tutor dr singapore..yg ni strict skit..so aku salah satu soklan n xdpt chance nak btolkan..then my mark is deducted 0.5...full stop... uwa3,sdey taw.hatiku ditusuk tajam..rase mcm nak putar balik mase..then terpk; kalo la aku tanye org,kalo la aku bace btol2.etc..



den ingat2 balik ..penggunaan 'kalau' utk menyesali perkara yg dah berlaku akan bukak jln utk dibisik setan..die akan tambahkan penyesalan kite..buat kite lagi sdey... cinabeng ko makhluk terkutuk!!!!



tp act bnd ni bg aku reflex ... bhw ilmu 2 milik DIA yg TERULUNG..sape lagi, Allah kan... ilmu yg kite ade jike kumpul sume manusia jus ibarat buih d lautan ..tp stil kan kite nak rase bijak dan smart(aku le 2)..kene2 lg bile org mintak ajar something..mule2 niat nak tolong org..lgpon ilmu ni kalo dikongsi lg bertambah bkn lg berkurg..hebat kan..tp in process of aiding people 2 sometimes my intention has shifted..suddenly, i feel i'm the one who r the hebatest(i'm using present tense bcoz this incident keeps repeating,ni process nak mengikis penyakit budgeting le)..

susah kan nak buang penyakit ni..bahaya dowh...takabur riak dan adik-beradiknye ni masok syirik kecil dowh... istifar byk2,aiseh.. pepon,mmg kite tend buat kesilapan tapi beristifarlah bile dah terbuat@membuat.. even payah,tp proses kite membaiki diri dr sifat ni bley dapat pahala ..drpd surah at_taubah ayat 194:

"Berangkatlah kamu dengan rasa ringan maupun dgn rasa berat, dan berjihadlah dgn jiwa dan hartamu d jln Allah.yg demikian adlh lbih baik bgmu jika kamu mengetahui."

Yang demikian 2 refer kepada perkara yg memerlukan usaha keras(kan Allah berfirman dgn perkataan berat)...maksudnye,jgn rase down kalo slalu fail nak improve diri...tp keep climbing 2 our aim.. Allah sayang dgn hambaNya yg usaha berterusan..bnd ni bolehle nak aplikasi kat dlm aspek laen(aspek ape 2,lu pk la sendiri,jenuh aku nak menaip nih....)..

conclusinye,mehla delete penyakit huduh ni ye....budgeting yg professional bunyinye ini not good...as we 4get whi r we in dis world ....kalo susah sgt nak kikis perasaan ni,aku sujes korg p cari pengikis kat makmal Kemahiran Hidup nu..

pepon,aku mau habiskan entri ni dgn ayat ciplakan dr lagu KuBerlari.....adela part yg aku xingat..layan ajela

xkan berhenti...ku kejar mimpi...
kulangkahkan kaki ini......

dan aku ..tinggalkan masa gelapku
dan lalu mulakan jalanNya kernaMu
semangat Rabb...
selama jam ku bergetar..
selama itu, xkan berhentiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
berlari kukejar mimpi...
terus berlari,agar hidup ini bererti!! =) (marilah kita BERLARI)

sabar

alkisah jadik suatu insiden apb aku marah kat orang, sume bende %^#*@*@ keluar...

pk2 balik, nyesal la plak.. tu la orang habaq, cakap siang2 dengaq2, ckp malam pandang2...
bile aku berang....memang aura 2 terpancar, naseb x keluar asap,kalo x boleh nak didihkan air secerek...

ade sorg sister nak tenangkan aku, die bg aku ayat al-Quran:

"Ada ketika bila ditanya,untuk apa buat semua ini?"Yang menjadikan mati & hidup untuk menguji antara kamu yg paling baik amalannya" Al-Mulk :2

Siyes,aku xnafikan kebenaran al-Quran.. dulu aku xsedar yg al-Quran 2 memang seswai sbg pegangan hidup...untuk kite refer...
yela, yg ciptanya 2 adalah Maha Esa...
siyes, bile tengok terjemahan 2, rase tertampar-tampar kat diri... banyaknya dosa aku..

terutama pd orang yg dah aku sakitkan hati.. da prob is, bile aku dah marah,
pressure 2 mmg x turun2.. mcm mengembang-ngembang, kena lepas..
ingat bile sorg kwn aku ckp,makan dalam nnt....

hmm.kisah marah ni terjadi bile termakan cucukan setan..memang aku mudah jadik mangsa makhluk terkutuk ni.. kalo ade confidence interval, sure 95% marah aku akan meletus...

ayak.................padahal sgt beruntung org yg bersabar ni....
aku rase ni le kelemahan aku... susah benor nak develop perasaan sabar ni...
mmg trait warisan ayah kot... tp mak aku plak, mmg sabar tahap sgt direspeki...
mak penah cakap, anak2 die sume terime trait panas baran dr ayah,kui3..


tp act bende 2 xley jdik alasan..mmg aku kene berlatih dr skg.....
manusia dikurnikan akal dan hati....mmg sia2 r kalo x guna sebaiknye...
so,azam aku adlah mau sabar...
xheran la bunyik skema,asalkan bende ni baek, dapat pahala dowh... so rakan2,sama2 kita bersabar na

"SABAR ITU SEBAHAGIAN DARIPADA IMAN"

p/s: abaikan kerosakan bahasa..yg penting mesej sampai...huhu