here and there

It has been 3 months I have been missing from this blog...


There were clouds of stories in my mind, it's just they are jumble up to each other... Sometimes I was in a cloud nine...sometimes I am swamped with work, like the honey bee but sometimes I just messing around with myself...

Only Allah knows the ups and down in this period... the period when I felt lost the touch, the time when I felt so idiot. The moment when I am not the 5-hours-report-making person anymore... the time when I am not strong enough to recover flu without drug.... the time when I felt my heart like a garbage... my eyes kept doing sinful things...the time i kept hurting people around me....saying mean thing.. when I am mad like a monster.... the time I just want to run away, get married and settle down (like my life would be easier after that,gahhaha).... only Him would know...


In fact, He helps me to go through the heartbreaking moments... I thought there was no space in this life for a person like me... I think anyone who had met me would remember me, it's not that I am so awesome...it's the opposite...the common thing I heard, ~I am weird~...people are unique between each other right? I dunno...people make a face because of my new image, wearing the big hijab... like I care what they would think of me, if Allah loves us, who really care if the world despises us...

Sometimes I really want to smash a particular person...for saying this thing but break it after a while... but then I think, do I never break my promises?? The fact is terrible...I also do the same mistake but....

Sometimes I can’t easily mingle with people... Is it because of my appearance? what is the problem with you people... Am I wrong for trying to practice my deen whole-heartedly...? Are you expecting me to have zero error....? Even in science we are allowed with certain level of error that deviates from the real value... yet we are expecting other to have everything perfect... I am telling this to myself....


What I realize is that, life is all about CHOICE.... here and there we have different things to be chosen...but all of them would bring us to Jannah or Hell... even in this Syawal, there were so many open houses until I forgot some events to attend to... we can't run away, this is life.. We won’t be stuck in the middle... we have to decide...

For me, the decision I've made would necessarily the one that can fulfil my need, but it would be the one that I think I can tolerate... as long as He is satisfied with me... Sometimes, I challenge myself; I realize or forget that He would be there for me...

But I know in the time when I feel alone, my heart is dry, I feel I would be doomed to Hell, He would be there... Ya Rabb, please don't ever let me go from your rope... without you, I am nothing.... and again, thank you for the moment when I was shrouded with darkness, You show me the light to eradicate the dirt...

Jazakillah, because you are my Awan Nano ~